


guess i'm a coward (i just want to feel alright)

by knoxoursavior



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Fusion, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 02:45:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17337227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knoxoursavior/pseuds/knoxoursavior
Summary: Yut-lung finds out about it because one of his employees.He receives a letter one day. It’s short, succinct. He gets the message: his employee has erased someone from their memory and Yut-lung should never mention anything alluding to that person ever again.





	1. i don't want your pity

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this fic for day 1 of bf angst week!! the prompts were death/forget and i chose forget.

Yut-lung finds out about it because one of his employees.

He receives a letter one day. It’s short, succinct. He gets the message: his employee has erased someone from their memory and Yut-lung should never mention anything alluding to that person ever again.

He doesn’t have any problem with that. What the letter sparks, however, is curiosity. Heartache too, but Yut-lung doesn’t want to think about that.

Well.

Maybe that’s exactly why he’s interested. 

He looks it up when he gets home, reads all he can about it. There aren’t exactly testimonials from the people who went through the procedure, but there is a forum for people whose friends or family have gone through the procedure, and Yut-lung scours it, drinks up all the information that they give so freely, imagines himself living a life where he doesn’t know, doesn’t regret, doesn’t  _ ache _ . 

Because he does. Every single day, he picks up his phone, barely stops himself from booking a flight to the Caribbean, barely keeps himself from falling into a whirlwind of fantasy, of  _ maybe, maybe now he’ll love me.  _

It would be so easy. So _ easy  _ to leave his life in New York, to drop everything and  _ see _ , because the image that he’s built up in his head of what his life could be with Blanca is so much better, so much more than the life he’s living right now, sitting on a throne painted with blood. 

Yut-lung knows exactly where Blanca is, knows exactly how to get there from the airport, knows exactly what time of day is best to go there so he can surprise Blanca. He has always known, has always chased after that information so he can keep it in his pocket, keep it as an option, a motivation, a lie that he can tell himself again and again until its poison finally kills him.

He imagines himself showing up at Blanca’s door, imagines seeing Blanca, shirtless, hair messy from sleep, imagines walking into Blanca’s space and being received with open arms. 

But then he remembers.

Blanca doesn’t want him. 

Blanca told him that there must be someone who loves him, who cares about him, but what he really meant was  _ not me.  _ Because he left. He left Yut-lung so he could fight alongside Ash, and then he left for the Caribbean without another word to Yut-lung. He just—

He  _ left _ . Just like that. Without looking back, without a second thought, Blanca left, and now Yut-lung has to deal with the burden of his words, with the gaping wound that Blanca has dealt him.

Yut-lung wishes Blanca could have said that  _ he _ loved and cared for Yut-lung, that even if he had to leave then to help Ash, he’d come back because he wanted to stay by Yut-lung’s side. Yut-lung wishes he could have had the courage to take Blanca’s hand back then, to tell him,  _ come back, stay with me, come back and help me learn how to love _ .

Yut-lung wishes he could have been good enough for Blanca to even consider him as someone to love. 

But no. 

_ There must be someone who loves and cares for you too, I’m sure. _

_ (But not me.) _

Yut-lung hates it. He hates how Blanca’s words play in his head again and again and  _ again _ , how Blanca’s arm around him is all he can think about when he imagines himself opening up to the possibility of loving someone.

He hates it because it’s just a constant reminder of who he isn’t, what they will never be, but most of all, he hates it because it  _ hurts _ . 

He should be used to pain, but this is an entirely different kind of monster. This is not the grief he was forced into when his mother, the only person who ever truly loved him, was murdered right in front of him, not the physical pain he suffered when he disobeyed his brothers, not the ugly envy he felt whenever he saw Ash and Eiji together, wrapped around each other, bathing in feelings Yut-lung wanted so badly but could never have.

This is a constant throbbing pain in his heart, an uncomfortable twist of his stomach, a heavy feeling in his chest that makes him want to throw up, to let everything bleed out of him until there’s nothing left to hurt him anymore. 

If this is love, then he doesn’t want it. 

If this is love, then he’d be better off forgetting about it. 

Yut-lung sets up an appointment the next day. 

  
  
  


Yut-lung forgets. 

He forgets Blanca’s lips on the back of his hand, Blanca’s bleeding arm around him, protecting him. He forgets Blanca’s pretty, empty words, Blanca’s back as he walks away. He forgets the already flimsy delusions in his head of him going to the Caribbean, finding a version of Blanca who wants him, who wants to stay with him, wants to love him. 

Yut-lung forgets  _ everything _ . His memories, his fantasies, his pain.

This is for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can stop reading here but if u want a happy-ish ending you can go on to ch 2 :)


	2. i just want somebody near me

Yut-lung finds out about it from one of his employees.

There’s a man who keeps trying to meet him. Not for business, no. He says that Yut-lung knows him, but Yut-lung sees footage of him getting turned away from the gate of Yut-lung’s home, and he doesn’t recognize the man at all.

He’s beautiful, yes, and the lines of his body speak of years and years of training. This is a man who knows every inch of his own body, who could do wonders with just that body of his than any other man could do with any weapon they want at their disposal. This is a man who sparks Yut-lung’s curiosity, who makes him wonder, who makes him want to consider giving him a chance to say his piece.

Yut-lung lets the man in.

The first thing he says to Yut-lung is, “Come with me.”

Yut-lung shouldn’t.

And yet—

And yet something in him wants to say yes.

  
  
  


His name is Blanca, and on their flight to the Caribbean, he tells Yut-lung all about a life he’s forgotten.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/singeiji)!!


End file.
